This moment

suddenly, nausea,

hives altering the topography of my skin.

fear.

i am afraid

all of the time.

the sense of safety so diligently cultivated

stolen swiftly in a melange of squealing tires and crashing metal.

i used to love driving

they were the moments where i found peace.

i’m a city kid,

each teenage fervor, agitation, sentiment

mapped out in the sprawl of the metropolis that breathed life into my being.

 

joy replaced by fear

fear lending itself to anger

as though the ultimate freedom has been snatched from my grasp

replaced with white knuckles, shaky breaths.

wishing i could embrace anger,

that it would replace the shaking, sweating, vomiting mess that has overwhelmed my senses.

 

i am angry

angry that the world i knew so well could continue as though nothing happened

when every breath i take acts as admonition of how soon it all disappears

and it will

 

in the time of #blacklivesmatter, #alllivesmatter, #nolivesmatter

i find myself inclined to the latter.

and i never used to be that way

life isn’t worth living if you aren’t fighting to uplift the dark horse

now it’s a fight to leave the house.

 

i want to not have lost all sense of security

i want to not be 32 in the midst of an existential crisis

i want to know that every little thing is gonna be alright

perhaps i should return to entheogens

seek that psychedelic experience

i’m halfway there already,

what’s real, what isn’t

who is in control

or is it an illusion

i’ve become so prosaic in near death

banal with every breath

seeking safety in the illusion of control,

broken now

just afraid

 

 

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