suddenly, nausea,
hives altering the topography of my skin.
fear.
i am afraid
all of the time.
the sense of safety so diligently cultivated
stolen swiftly in a melange of squealing tires and crashing metal.
i used to love driving
they were the moments where i found peace.
i’m a city kid,
each teenage fervor, agitation, sentiment
mapped out in the sprawl of the metropolis that breathed life into my being.
joy replaced by fear
fear lending itself to anger
as though the ultimate freedom has been snatched from my grasp
replaced with white knuckles, shaky breaths.
wishing i could embrace anger,
that it would replace the shaking, sweating, vomiting mess that has overwhelmed my senses.
i am angry
angry that the world i knew so well could continue as though nothing happened
when every breath i take acts as admonition of how soon it all disappears
and it will
in the time of #blacklivesmatter, #alllivesmatter, #nolivesmatter
i find myself inclined to the latter.
and i never used to be that way
life isn’t worth living if you aren’t fighting to uplift the dark horse
now it’s a fight to leave the house.
i want to not have lost all sense of security
i want to not be 32 in the midst of an existential crisis
i want to know that every little thing is gonna be alright
perhaps i should return to entheogens
seek that psychedelic experience
i’m halfway there already,
what’s real, what isn’t
who is in control
or is it an illusion
i’ve become so prosaic in near death
banal with every breath
seeking safety in the illusion of control,
broken now
just afraid
