Somehow things have fallen into place. I have gone and returned and not much has changed, save for myself. It seems often the way of this world and it is such a cliche, yet it still there is truth.
I wanted him so much to know me, I have seen now that he can’t. I think that is the biggest loss, the thing I will spend my life learning to grieve. I wanted him to want to know me, but he doesn’t want to know me. he doesn’t want to know anyone really. I was afraid that he would hurt me again, but I’m not sure that he can. I can’t imagine how it would be possible.
I’m back to that whole loving yourself thing. I think that so much of our lives winds up being informed by the youthful transgressions of, perhaps not our parents, but the ones who have the power of knowledge and experience while we are still learning the textures of the floor. There is a time in our lives when we are vulnerable, when we truly have no power, and we have no choice but to rely upon the givers of life. It’s no wonder we discover ourselves first through others’ eyes.
The greatest thing I am learning about life is that at some point, we get to decide who we are. It isn’t about finding ourselves, it’s about making the choice to be ourselves. I don’t suck, right? I have value as a person, not because he told me so, or because she tells everyone else, but because I love the world. I love the world so much that I choose to take steps every day to actively make the world, at least the minuscule square of it I occupy, a better and more joyous place. I love people and want to uplift their existence even as mine joins them in the weightlessness of this moment.
I made a choice one day that I couldn’t lie anymore. That I couldn’t stand not having a connection with those around me because I was muddying the waters with what I thought to be shields, fortresses protecting me. Only, they were protecting me from nothing more than truly knowing the world. We only have so much time to be here, and I was wasting it with things I believed mattered more than anything else, even as time was sneaking past.
Time is the great neutralizer, we, none of us, are guaranteed the next breath.